Truth Salad

Germany. The name itself conjures many images. Beer steins, moustaches, fairy-tale castles, buxom waitresses, jackboots, Nazis and of course, Hitler.

It's been more than half a century since the depredations of the Holocaust, yet still the stigma on Germany, and specifically it's Jewish population, remains. "It's time to heal." says a group of young German -Jewish actors. Many of the members of 'Gotterdammerung' are themselves the descendants of holocaust survivors, a fact which would seem to be at odds with the troupe's method of 'healing' the scars of WWII.

The troupe is currently touring with a series of comedic plays which they hope will allow people to let go of the anger and resentment they feel. According to Gotterdammerung spokesperson Nita Liebman, "One of the most precious gifts the Jewish people have, is their sense of humour. Let's face it, we're a funny people. Look at how many of the great comedians were Jewish, Jerry Seinfeld, Mel Brooks, Woody Allen, Billy Crystal, Sid Caesar, Rita Rudner, Sarah Silverman, the list goes on and on. Our ability to laugh in spite of tremendous hardship is something we feel should be celebrated."

Gotterdammerung's efforts are laudable, but not without controversy. Consider the plays included in the tour. In the genre of meta-play, wherein we witness actors portraying actors who are putting on a play (à la 'Kiss Me, Kate') Gotterdammerung presents a farce called "She's in the Attic!" a meta-play about The Diary of Anne Frank. Written by members of the troupe, the play has met with mixed reviews. Not so their center-piece play.  "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Ovens" is a black-comedy musical of the darkest sort. It opens with a plain strewn with bodies, fog/gas floating like ground mist, a Bunker sits up centre-stage.  Two German officers emerge wearing gas masks. Upon removal of the masks we see one is Hitler and the other Goebbels. They begin chatting in a light-hearted manner before breaking into an upbeat song.

Hitler: "I have something to tell -"
Goebbels: "Tell me!"
Hitler: "- about Jews!"

They then proceed to make some of the most horrific comments ever uttered on a stage, all while doing a soft-shoe number.  For civility's sake, they will not be reprinted here.  One can only speculate that the play is intended to show that the Nazi leaders were completely insane, with a world-view so skewed that they honestly believed there was nothing wrong with their actions. 

When questioned about this, Ms. Liebman responded, "Laughing is very therapeutic, and comedy is one of the best ways of getting people to change their minds on a subject. When people laugh, they drop their defenses a little, they're more open to new ideas. This is what we're trying to accomplish. We consider our work to be a celebration of the Jewish comedic spirit. If we Jews can laugh about this, maybe we can all heal. Not forget it happened, but own it, and heal from it." 

Indeed. The show will also be hosting viewings of the film "My Fuehrer - The Truly Truest Truth About Adolf Hitler". Gotterdammerung is  scheduled for a brief European tour before heading abroad. For more information see their website www.shesintheattic.tk

The University of Akron has recently completed a 2 year study on the effectiveness of middle-management in various industries, with surprising results.

The study consisted of removing several managers from the participating companies' offices, ostensibly to test how their efficacy would be affected by moving them offsite. The managers' only form of contact was through a web-portal interface whereby members of their team could request decisions and help. The teams thus managed reported that although the interface took a little getting used to, they felt that the level of support was greater than before the experiment. Often they reported the response time was faster and although they were times where the answer supplied was confusing, there were in general, fewer miscommunications. Also, the necessity of using the web-portal acted as a sort of 'screening process' that encouraged the team members to consider both their questions and the answers more carefully, often leading to a greater understanding of their roles and allowing them to feel more confident and empowered. Said one participant,"Honestly, I never realized how smart my manager was. He's become like a mentor to me; his answer are so Zen-like."

The companies also responded favourably to the change, citing improved morale, teamwork and efficiency. Many of them also took the opportunity to refurnish the absent manager's offices into 'natural-light'rest areas where the employees can take their breaks amid lush plant life and soothing nature sounds.

Said the President of one of the companies, an incoming call-center,"Prior to moving our managers off-site, we found the employees viewed their managers as 'incompetent at best, the enemy at worst'. All that has changed now."

And how did the managers themselves react to the change? Well, that's the interesting part. One month into the study, each of the managers were advised that for the remainder of the two years they would be required to be in their offices at the University's Control Area during their normal work hours, but that they were free to use their time as they wished. They were not to have contact with their managers or teams, their duties had all been reassigned - consider it a sabbatical.

To whom had their duties been reassigned? This is the crux of the matter and in fact, the true purpose of the study. The managers were variously replaced, not by people, but by things.

Magic 8-balls to be precise.

Yes, those Magic 8-balls - Think of a question, shake the 8-ball and turn it over. Up floats the die with such sayings as "Outlook uncertain" or "Yes, definitely."

The University study culminated with a dinner for the participating company executives, thanking them for their co-operation. As the guests seated themselves, a slide-show highlighted many of the web-portal interactions from the previous two years, showing the team's questions and the manager's responses. Statistics floated up, showing marked improvements in key areas. Triumphant music played, and the executives were amused to find their table centerpieces were Magic 8-balls.

"You had to see the look of dawning horror as the execs played with the 8-balls, then looked at the slideshow, then back to the 8-ball. It was incredible to witness an entire room having this massive epiphany." said study co-ordinator Derek Muels.

The University of Akron is now beginning a new study on how this new management strategy can be most effectively implemented.

A growing list of Canadians are getting upset with the United States government. For most Canadians this is a normal pastime, a long-favoured distraction from getting upset at our own gouvernement.

This time, however, it's going to court.

A coalition of 'concerned citizens' has filed a class-action suit against the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation over what the coalition refers to as a 'blatant infringement of our basic human rights as protected by both the Canadian and US constitutions.'

Which rights? Respect, and privacy are the two mentioned in the suit. Specifically, the coalition is upset with the FBI's procedure of tagging a computer that visits certain sites and then tracking all the sites that computer visits. This is done by re-routing or 'hijacking' the computer's internet feed through FBI headquarters in Langley, Virginia.

"By what right are they tracking Canadian citizens' internet usage?" asks Coalition chair Lawrence Howard. "This is spying plain and simple. They are infringing on our privacy, and possibly even controlling what information we have access to. Every page I view goes through their hands first. How do we know they're not 'sanitizing' it or even sowing disinformation? It amazes me that a country that proclaims Freedom of Speech, Freedom from persecution based on Race, Creed or Religion, can be so willfully ignorant."

Howard's crusade began when a friend showed him a little application that maps out where the webpage you're viewing actually comes from, showing all the intricate little detours and various servers you've used. Avid users describe it like peeling away the skin of the Internet, and actually being able to see the veins that make up the enormous cardiovascular system that is the heart of modern communications.

Howard noticed that all of his pages were detouring through a server in Langley. He thought nothing further of it until one night he watched the X-Files and the light went on in his head. The FBI was watching him.

Lawrence Howard, accountant, husband, father of two, with no criminal record, was being watched by the United States government. Without ever having set foot outside of Canada.

As the Class-action suit gathers steam and supporters, Howard lobbies Americans to join in the fight. His vitriol is spread through Reveille, a widely distributed newsletter published monthly and read by nearly a quarter million Americans.

We provide here, with permission, an excerpt of his first article which has been hailed as 'a rousing bugle-cry for democracy' by the media.

"The Land of the Free is bathed in the soothing flicker of the Television, and the computer monitor; the new and infinitely more profitable and insidious Opiates of the Masses, all showing the Correct, Sanitized Truth, as approved by the crooks in the Bush Administration."

The FBI declined to comment on their intended response to the class-action suit. A fact which causes Lawrence Howard to shake his head in dismay."You know why they [politicians] push for a smaller government all the time?" he asks.

"Fewer witnesses."

Proselytize: To induce someone to convert to one's own religious faith.

A church in Las Vegas has found a new way to raise money for the poor - prostitution.

Father Vinny Donato says his congregation has grown quite quickly since the instituting of the 'proselytutes'. He explains,"Many people are shocked and offended by our new program, proclaiming it 'sinful', but we prefer to take a wider view. Which is the greater sin, adultery or allowing others to remain unsaved? To condemn them to Hell, through inaction, in order to 'conserve' your own place in Heaven? A priest's job is to aid others in achieving Heaven, even if it means risking his own soul to do so!"

While unswayed by this reasoning, this reporter decided to take the 'baptismal plunge' and investigate the entire process. A journalist's job is to seek out the truth, even if it means compromising his sacred marital vows. Besides, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Approaching the church, I was met by a young priest, handing out pamphlets proclaiming the many benefits of the program, including the offer of a tax receipt for your 'donation' to the church! After expressing a despair that I had not accepted Christ into my heart, I was led inside to meet one of these 'Hookers for Heaven'.

Mother Evangeline, a striking woman in her mid-forties, greeted me warmly and perhaps sensing my discomfort, offered a few words to facilitate my enlightenment. "God made us aware of Him to comfort and embrace us, to teach us to accept ourselves, to love ourselves, and to accept love that is given to us. God is Love, my son, in all its forms - we merely provide physical proof of that."

I was then placed in the capable hands of Sister Chastity, a petite asian of whom I must report for the sake of journalistic accuracy, brought me to such a level of ecstacy that I believe I saw the face of God. And so, this intrepid reporter, having braved the many hazards involved, humbly suggests that before you judge these so-called Daughters of Mary Magdelan, you open your minds, hearts, wallets and legs, and walk a mile in their shoes.

Former computer giant, Wang Computers has victoriously re-emerged after more than a decade of silence to snatch one of the juiciest plums in the IT world, the Vatican.

When the Vatican recently announced it's intention to become the first entirely wireless country, Wang was among the few companies invited to bid. They won. "It's a huge undertaking." said Fred Wang, Dr. Wang's son and former president of Wang Labs. "But we're getting a lot of help from within the Vatican itself. The priesthood especially is excited about us. They really love Wang."

Father Doitmals, a Vatican spokesman, elaborated. "You must understand, most of the Wangs we priests get our hands on are about ten years old, and quite small. We're all excited about the size and power of these new Wangs. You should see his Holiness' Wang, it'll put the fear of God into you!"

Fred Wang explained the security features of these fearsome, sturdy Wangs. "The integrated security features of the Wang are fabulous, while allowing each parisioner and citizen to have their own account, all priests are given a smooth rear-entrance to use only in confessional. Obviously, infection is a concern whenever there's frequent rear access -especially with multiple users. Never fear though, with multiple layers of protection and authorization, we've guaranteed the Vatican the tightest back-doors around!"

Wang's successful bid for the Vatican's new massive mainframe, however had other bidders crying foul.

In response to the accusations of 'shady, under-the-pulpet dealings', the Pope's rebuttal came with agonizingly slowness. "This is nonsense!" the Pope finally ejaculated,"It's a well-known fact that the Catholic priesthood has a long-standing predilection for smaller Wangs for personal use. A massive Wang is merely the next logical step."

"The new mainframe is truly a one of a kind. The Vatican insisted on 'massaging' the system specs until it was rock-solid."says Wang. "It was a really pleasurable experience to watch these guys handle a Wang. They're pros.

Finally, after 2 years of planning, on May 1st of this year Wang consumated the deal. At three in the afternoon, the mainframe arrived. Four large men, grunting and sweating with effort, wrestled the giant Wang deep into the bowels of the Vatican. Its installation was met with an audible sigh of relief from the assembled clergy, a truly immaculate reception. In an unusual show of trust, Wang agreed to let the Vatican accept the delivery orally, without so much as a handshake from Wang's head of solicitors.

It would seem that Wang's seed has been sown for a long, profitable relationship with the Catholic church. Hoping to capture more of the religious market, Wang has solicited several religious leaders in an attempt to entice them into grabbing their own Wangs.In a final note, a similar deal for large Wangs was ceremoniously cut short by the Jewish Council of Elders.

Rewters,FN
A 37 year old chemist was arrested yesterday after tests showed he had added his own 'special ingredient' to the soap dispensers in the women's lavatories.

Gerald Henriksen reportedly asked female co-workers to participate in a trial run of his latest development for a cosmetics firm client, which consisted of a facial cleanser/moisturizer which he called 'Bukka-K'.

The 'cleanser' was nothing more than perfume and Mr. Henriksen's own semen. Several of the test subjects became suspicious after noting Henriksen furtively left work each night with the video 'screen-tests' of the women applying the lotion. Their suspicions were raised further when he began making 'odd requests' regarding application method and clothing worn during the 'documentary' videos. Said one victim [name withheld],"I mean, how many people squirt lotion straight out of the bottle onto their face? It just didn't make any sense."

Tiana Skovold, one of Henriksen's favourite test subjects and a talented chemist in her own right, correctly identified Bukka-K's primary ingredient and alerted the authorities.

While many of the women reported a 'notable improvement' in facial skin-tone and elasticity during the clinical trial, it would seem Henriksen is now faced with a trial of a very different sort.